20250501
Day Job Survival Guide
We bet you’ve got a slew of friends in the service industry like yourself. However, we also bet you’ve got some pals that have those day jobs your mother and father always are begging you to get. We don’t suggest giving one of those a go . . . There’s a fat chance you won’t survive the consistent early mornings or successfully adapt to language like “touch base” and “circle back.” If one of your more stable friends ever has a less busy Friday or a day when their boss is out, though, you may find yourself with an opportunity to visit them.
In order to fully have an okay time, here are some tips for how to seem like a natural in the corporate environment.
In order to fully have an okay time, here are some tips for how to seem like a natural in the corporate environment.
Business Casual
In the average office, everyone dresses in a particular style. They’ll look like librarians about to go on a date or golfers who are tutoring math later. This type of dressing is called Business Casual, otherwise known as Fashion’s No Man’s Land. It’s professional yet stylishish, friendly yet afraid of the sun, casual yet cautious. At most, you probably have two outfits you could put together from your wardrobe of thrifted cargo pants and leather jackets that would work in this category. Just try not to figure anyone’s clothing out, and be moderate with the “I love what you’re wearing” count. Business casual was made for corporations, not necessarily compliments.
Quarters
No, we are not talking about what the worst kind of people leave you as a tip or what you use to get a spot on the pool table at your favorite dive bar. Quarters in the business world are how companies break down their years, similar to some sports games or acts in a play, to make things more fun for them. You, on the other hand, define your year by when the fish entree on your restaurant’s menu changes from salmon to branzino, or when the cappuccino machine at your cafe stops frothing milk correctly and you have to do it by hand until it’s replaced. If someone asks you how your “Q1” is finishing up, just smile and say “KPI’s are trending upwards.” Don’t worry about what that means. Let’s move on.
Chances are, you’ll enter a conversation with someone in which you hear about their past and future weekend plans, or the two-week vacation they have coming up. Your version of paid time off is going to the bathroom during one of your shifts, so don’t try to compare yourself to them. To participate in the conversation, talk about that time you were able to successfully beg your coworker to take your Saturday dinner shift, and you got to take a bath.
Most corporate office spaces will have a kitchen area where employees store their meal-prepped cloned tupperwares they make every Sunday of their lives. In this space, there will most likely be a fridge with drinks and a counter with pastries or snacks that are available for anyone’s enjoyment. Yes, someone actually purchased or made a collection of snacks for nothing else but their coworker’s consumption. These are rarely leftovers, have not been touched or half-eaten by anyone else, and come from a place of kindness. Take a Fresca out of the fridge and a blueberry muffin Sarah made, but don’t act like this free food is the first time you’ve ever been offered free food, even if it probably is. Don’t shove everything into your bag or into your mouth like you won’t eat for days to come. Remain calm.
Insurance
You’ll quickly learn that people in offices tend to have an insurance plan associated with their company that when placed next to yours, is about as different as an ambulance and a bandaid. You may hear someone make a dentist appointment over the phone or talk about their weekly physical therapy session. If you happen to hear how much they pay out of pocket for medical visits like those, just try not to faint . . . you can’t afford to.
Promotions and Raises
If someone in an office like this performs well over a consistent amount of time, they will receive either more money or a promotion that has the opportunity to make more money. This is celebrated as a good thing because in many ways, their work and personal lives will improve. At your restaurant or cafe, if you work very hard and perform excellently over an extended period of time, you will either be asked to work more shifts or you will be promoted to floor manager, and either way your life will become more challenging and stressful with a minimal increase of income. In fact, in the day to day of your job, you could work exceptionally well and still be tipped horrifically or verbally assaulted. If someone earns a promotion during your day job visit, remember that in this world, this rocks, so you don’t need to tell them you’re sorry.
A single day at the office will show you the plethora of tempting aspects included in a corporate lifestyle while also exposing the less-than-ideal parts. Salaries, kinder insurance, and retirement plan-matching all make for a potentially less stressful view of your current bank account and financial future. Stiff cardigans, spending time on Microsoft Teams, and having to buy an accountant that always makes the bathroom smell horrible a Secret Santa gift, however, add to the other side of the scale. At the EOD, everyone ends up making friends and learning to enjoy their environment, whether it’s behind a bar counter or behind a desk. You’ll either just have a stranger buy you a whiskey shot to drink with him, or have Molly from HR remember both your birthday and your gluten allergy.